Summer is Ending Soon

It's almost the end of summer.  Granted, it's still 95 degrees here but we are cooling down a lot at night sometimes into the 60s.  The Delta breezes are picking up, you can watch the leaves in the trees.  The walnuts in our trees have a bright green covering on them, and the squirrels are opening them every day checking to see if they're ready.  They're a little early, but I think they sense the change in season.  I'm looking forward to the fall.  Any change really.

I've been in our pool once all summer. The smoke from the Northern California fires was so thick during June and July that we never used the pool.  Then the kids came to visit mid-July and they started using it.  The day we found out about Andrew, I was pulling weeds in the backyard.  I was thinking about Andrew and a funny comment he had made about that weed patch.  I got up to answer the phone and left the container of weeds and my gloves next to it.  The container sat until yesterday when I was finally emotionally able to go out there and start cleaning up again.  It was hard to face that weed patch again.  But time moves on and it seemed time to pull weeds and tear down cobwebs.  In the yard and in my mind.  Baby steps they call it.

I've been seeing a lot of old friends lately.  I saw 4 of them at the state fair last weekend.  I was 19 when I met them, the same age as Andrew.  It was wonderful to see them and to feel the comfort of their friendship.  This weekend was time for my family - a brother and his wife, daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter.  Three generations.  The content and continuity of life ~ feeling the past with my brother and seeing the future with his granddaughter.  There is comfort in that too.

My sweet schnauzer Georgie is having some health problems.  Repeated episodes of vestibular dysfunction.  We went to the vet on Friday.  Her symptoms and their findings indicate a more central cause, possibly a brain lesion.  We go to the neurologist next.  She may not be able to tolerate the anesthesia she'll need for an MRI or for any resulting surgery.  It's so hard to know what to do sometimes.  I'm keeping her comfortable and spending as much time as possible with her.  Just being present, that's all we can do.

I so want to stop working, but I'm caught with that bureaucratic carrot pulling me toward retirement with an income.  I have 1 year left, actually about 11 months.  That's not long in the scheme of things but when so much is going on emotionally, it would be nice to be able to say OK I've had enough.  Sometimes life is a challenge!

In the words of Robert Frost ~ "I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on".

New Toys and Old Friends

I received 2 new toys this past week.  I have the new iPhone.  It has so much memory, the GPS is great and lots of software apps to add.  My biggest complaint is that the size is slightly different ~ thinner but slightly larger.  Enough that all of the old accessories do not fit.  My case still fits, but the docking station doesn't.  The cords are all good but the alarm clock isn't.  That doesn't seem fair.  What are you gonna do!  Obviously they knew that.  My birthday present is a new iMac with a 24 inch screen.  It is awesome ~ it is so fast, and the screen is so clear!  The color is phenomenal.  It has Intel processors so I have the option of using it like a PC.  I've been fighting not to give up my PC, but now that I have this, I love it!  iPhoto is a lot easier than I thought and I love the way you can make folders for events.  I have to admit, that I don't know what took me so long!  In a house with 2 apple computers, 2 apple laptops and 2 iphones, what was I thinking???  Even my 85 year old mother in law moved to apple computers.  Some habits die slowly...

I have had a lot of contact the past couple of weeks with old friends.  Some are friends from my 20s.  They've really been there for me.  My boyfriend from age 19 said some of the most real, heartfelt things that a man could say about the loss of a child.  My roommate from my 20s gently said you never get over the loss of a child ~ a reality that helps this grief make sense, as much as it could or should make sense.   Most people say there are no words, and true there are none.  But these people have spoken to my soul and helped me to see that someday there will be a type of healing and the journey along the way is as it should be.  I'm really fortunate.

And then I planned a get together with Gordon & Chuck.  We haven't been able to get together for a long time.  They are real and outspoken and true friends.  They've been through a lot of loss in their lives.  The night before we were going to get together, Tom and I were out to dinner.  And who should come in, but Gordon & Chuck, their moms, and another couple ~ they had all just had a private ceremony finally getting married after being together for 28 years.  It was such a surprise to be able to be there.  I stood up from our table and kept saying OMG, OMG, OMG!  They were just as surprised and excited as I was.  They had been so incredibly supportive of me, that they had withheld their happiness until after they helped me.  We bought champagne for everyone and said a toast.  It was so wonderful.  Then we slipped out so they could celebrate without worrying about us.  Then the next night they came over for dinner.  We laughed, we cried, we celebrated and renewed our friendships.  Gordon just kept saying "there's a reason for all of this".  Life does have some wondrous mysteries.

Life goes on...

Each day is going by, and I feel like I'm just getting by.  Tom & I are having a difficult time, but we're back to work.  You just do what you have to do.  It all seems a bit much sometimes.  People of course are very supportive, but work requires the same level of commitment, production, etc...but neither of us want to be there.  It's been harder on Tom, especially when he has to take care of young patients.  But I can't imagine sitting at home...that would be so sad.  We see a lot of people, and we go out whenever we're invited to do something which is frequently right now.  My reaction is to think NO!, but I think he needs the support from friends and family.  It's easier for me with women friends and co-workers to talk about what's going on.  Not as easy for him.  The shock is still present but we get glimpses of what this is all about.  One of those events in life that is just going to be really hard.  We'll get through this.

It's interesting today that I met with 2 of my former colleagues that I haven't seen in a year.  I like both of them a lot.  I'll be working on a project for them for a few months.  And then at a restaurant tonight I ran into a former supervisor, someone I really admire.  There's a lesson in all that somewhere that I'll have to figure out.

I participated as a model in a photo shoot today.  It was put together by Public Affairs for new ads and brochures for our med center/university.  It was actually a lot of fun.  There were some people that I used to see a lot at work but now rarely.  And some new people that I've never met that are using me in a photo and giving me feedback about how I appear - they know nothing about my personal life.  They all had such big smiles that it put a smile on my face and actually made me feel better.  I vaguely remember that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile - I have no idea if that is fact or fiction.  I wonder if I just put a smile on my face if it would stay there and make me feel better.  I've seen some people this week who were more emotional than I was at the moment that we met.  They think I'm so brave and strong.  It's just that we crossed paths when I was able to forget for a while or to keep it all in control.  I wonder what they'd think if I had a smile on my face?  I wouldn't want to be off-putting!  As hard as it is to have to confront each new person and review my feelings, it's real and feels appropriate.  

Georgie has had a reoccurrence of her vestibular dysfunction.  She has vertigo like symptoms.  Poor little thing stumbling around, sometimes having difficulty focusing her vision.  But she's a feisty little thing that insists on her routines.  She wants to walk up and down the 2 steps to get in and out of the house.  This morning I carried her outside.  When she was ready to go back inside, she walked up to the top of the 2nd stair then sat looking at the door.  I picked her and placed her inside the house.  Little bugger, went back outside and walked up that last step by herself!!!  She can walk the full block but gets tired & dizzy but pauses long enough to refocus and keep going.  Her spirit is amazing.  

Tonight I checked our blood pressure readings.  I wanted to check Tom's bp because I know he's having such a hard time.  His was ok, but mine was extremely high.  It scared me.  I relaxed and it went back down to normal.  It's strange that you could pop the top of your head off and not even know that you're leading up to it.  I need to start focusing on my health - physical and mental!  I need to be here for my family.

Well, lots of thoughts and feelings...I guess I'll just let them simmer and see what evaporates and what essence is left!

What about the dogs?

They've been amazing little companions the last couple of weeks.  They were really distressed when so many people began filling the house, they pick up what everyone is feeling but they don't really understand.  Georgie has been clinging to me.  She is either standing next to me, sitting on my lap, napping curled up with me or looking for me.  We've been through a lot together, she knows my heart.  Molly has been very quiet, but when all of the dogs greet me at the door she pushes her way through the crowd to get to me.  She's been very sweet as usual.  She requires so little attention that I have to remember to give her equal attention.  Finnegan has been adorable.  He's still feisty and playful, but watches me like a hawk.  I've had a lot of feedback about him recently since so many people have been in the house.  Everyone says he is so lovable.  He really is, he has come a long way over the past year.  He is a little nervous with what is going on, but he's a pretty happy boy.  He's wonderful on walks now.  He wasn't even leash trained when I got him.  Poor little Winston is having a very hard time.  We've had him for 9 months now, and he is just beginning to trust us and to ask for affection.  All of the people in our house make him nervous.  He runs around barking at everyone.  He's learning about time outs!  

One thing about having pets, especially dogs, is that you get immediate feedback about what energy you're putting out.  All they want to do is please you, so it keeps you on your toes.  I constantly get reminded to have patience!

One foot in front of the other

All I can do is put one foot in front of the other.  The smallest things make me think of Andrew.  Now when I talk about him, I cry.  But it's what we go through.  I don't think this ever ends.  And that's ok.  I didn't expect this type of heartbreak that comes with loving a child but I won't deny it.  Andrew wouldn't want everyone to be sad but I don't want anyone to forget what we know, feel and experience in Andrew.

Alexander Wolcott wrote the following to a friend whose child had died:

"One of the privileges of my life is to have known him.  Among the few things I'm sure of is this - as long as I live, as long as I remember anything at all, I will always remember him, not hazily, no perfume growing fainter and fainter with time, no mere formless glow like the setting sun shining on snow, but sharp and clear forever, like some precise and perfect masterpiece, a Vermeer, changeless as long as paint and canvas last.  And years from now, when you are old and I am so feeble I can just about walk and change brings us together in some town, you will be glad to see me and won't even have to talk to me because you'll know without any word from me that I'm still thinking of him with undiminished respect.  Indeed, that I cannot, cannot forget him."

I hope that's how everyone will carry Andrew with them.