Life goes on...

Each day is going by, and I feel like I'm just getting by.  Tom & I are having a difficult time, but we're back to work.  You just do what you have to do.  It all seems a bit much sometimes.  People of course are very supportive, but work requires the same level of commitment, production, etc...but neither of us want to be there.  It's been harder on Tom, especially when he has to take care of young patients.  But I can't imagine sitting at home...that would be so sad.  We see a lot of people, and we go out whenever we're invited to do something which is frequently right now.  My reaction is to think NO!, but I think he needs the support from friends and family.  It's easier for me with women friends and co-workers to talk about what's going on.  Not as easy for him.  The shock is still present but we get glimpses of what this is all about.  One of those events in life that is just going to be really hard.  We'll get through this.

It's interesting today that I met with 2 of my former colleagues that I haven't seen in a year.  I like both of them a lot.  I'll be working on a project for them for a few months.  And then at a restaurant tonight I ran into a former supervisor, someone I really admire.  There's a lesson in all that somewhere that I'll have to figure out.

I participated as a model in a photo shoot today.  It was put together by Public Affairs for new ads and brochures for our med center/university.  It was actually a lot of fun.  There were some people that I used to see a lot at work but now rarely.  And some new people that I've never met that are using me in a photo and giving me feedback about how I appear - they know nothing about my personal life.  They all had such big smiles that it put a smile on my face and actually made me feel better.  I vaguely remember that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile - I have no idea if that is fact or fiction.  I wonder if I just put a smile on my face if it would stay there and make me feel better.  I've seen some people this week who were more emotional than I was at the moment that we met.  They think I'm so brave and strong.  It's just that we crossed paths when I was able to forget for a while or to keep it all in control.  I wonder what they'd think if I had a smile on my face?  I wouldn't want to be off-putting!  As hard as it is to have to confront each new person and review my feelings, it's real and feels appropriate.  

Georgie has had a reoccurrence of her vestibular dysfunction.  She has vertigo like symptoms.  Poor little thing stumbling around, sometimes having difficulty focusing her vision.  But she's a feisty little thing that insists on her routines.  She wants to walk up and down the 2 steps to get in and out of the house.  This morning I carried her outside.  When she was ready to go back inside, she walked up to the top of the 2nd stair then sat looking at the door.  I picked her and placed her inside the house.  Little bugger, went back outside and walked up that last step by herself!!!  She can walk the full block but gets tired & dizzy but pauses long enough to refocus and keep going.  Her spirit is amazing.  

Tonight I checked our blood pressure readings.  I wanted to check Tom's bp because I know he's having such a hard time.  His was ok, but mine was extremely high.  It scared me.  I relaxed and it went back down to normal.  It's strange that you could pop the top of your head off and not even know that you're leading up to it.  I need to start focusing on my health - physical and mental!  I need to be here for my family.

Well, lots of thoughts and feelings...I guess I'll just let them simmer and see what evaporates and what essence is left!