Back when life was so simple!

What Is It All About?

I just watched 2 videos that really touched my heart. One is of a man who offered to be layed off so his work mate wouldn't have to. The man who was able to keep the job has 4 children, the youngest with autism, and it would've been devastating to their family if he lost his job. The man who took the layoff did it out of loyalty and friendship. The other video was of a woman with 4 sons in the military who all came home for the first time in 15 years. They had all been deployed in both Iraq or Afghanistan a total of 7 times amongst them. What heroes all of these men who give so unselfishly.

What comes to mind is what is "giving" really? When we're giving presents, it's really the acknowledgment of the love or friendship we feel for the other person. It's fine to say you're not into the commercialism that the holiday brings. But what do you do that shows the love? For me, it isn't the actual objects received, it's the intention of the gift. I hope that everyone knows that the Christmas spirit isn't limited to Christmastime. I've always thought of it as an opportunity to make the effort to acknowledge others in our lives. There are so many I appreciate from the small things they do that make my life easier, better or brighter. To those who bring the profound. I'm blessed and hope that I let others know that I appreciate them. That I hold them in esteem with great respect and love. Like they say about work, on your deathbed are you going to think about your job or your connections to one other. The same with love and friendship, are you going to remember the presents or the joy you give and receive from the connections to each other. So far I've chosen the connections to others no matter what. And I hope that if I have ever upset or offended anyone along the way that I have righted that situation with apologies and honesty. Afterall, what is it that we have to give each other.

This has been a profound Christmas for my husband and for me. Losing a son is an enormous challenge in looking into our own hearts. When we think of Andrew, we don't think of "things", we think of the connectedness we've had - the love, the joy, the pain, all the other emotions that come with having a child. We can't help notice what it is that others put out towards us. I feel good about what we're putting out into the world, and again feel blessed that there are truly good people who are there for us and with us. This is what it's all about.

Manhattan Santa Convention

Wonderful photos of an unofficial Manhattan Santa Convention. Creative santa outfits from all over the world online NY Times! http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/12/20/fashion/20081220-street-feature/index.html

Robin Williams on Obama's Election - funny!

Community action makes a difference

FINALLY!!! After almost 5 months the state highway admin said today they will be putting in a light at the site where Andrew had his fatal crash!!! Hopefully they'll be able to put it up as fast as that stop sign went up when they decided to do that.

Thank you soooooo much to everyone that helped by signing the petition. We can not thank you all enough. Hopefully now no one will ever have to go through and feel what we're feeling with losing Andrew. Hopefully, it will be much much safer there.

A little bit of peace of mind and heart. We're all thinking of you today, sweet man Andrew!

Cool weather

It's cold here. Supposed to get to 35 tonight. That's pretty cold. We're right where 2 major rivers cross each other and it's been foggy for about a week. Bone chilling cold. I love to wear sweaters and warm jackets so I'm happy. I learned to wear layers living in San Francisco so many years. The dogs don't seem to mind the cold. I put sweaters on the old girls for their early morning walk. The cats have warm blankies in their beds. And fortunately our heater is working, thank goodness for the parrots. So all is well. They say it'll get colder over the weekend. Wouldn't it be cool if it snowed???

Christmas from the Heart

Christmas From The Heart
by Judy Burnette

I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died...but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...
the wind blows...
the rain falls...
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.

Getting Ready for Christmas?

Well I made a small attempt at Christmas. We bought 2 wreaths for the front doors, and put in 2 new plants in the planters on the front steps. We had these 2 matching wrought iron topiaries and were going to wrap garlands & lights around them, but we didn't like how they looked last time. So we bought some miniature incense cedars and just used the pots without the topiary stands. They look great. Inside the house, I took out my ceramic miniature schnauzer Christmas tree by Danbury that I bought after Christmas last year. It has tiny lights in it. It's pretty cute. We also received our Blenko glass today from the glass blowing factory in W Va, so I have my angel that sits on a stand with sparkling lights. That's about it! We're not really into Christmas this year. Oh I bought a live Christmas "tree" with lights, its about 6 inches high. I bought it at Trader Joe's and its in the kitchen. A little twinkle here and there. I bought some doggie toys since most of theirs have disappeared into the yard or with the leaves the gardeners blow away every week. At least they'll have some fun opening presents. I have been sending out Christmas cards. Lots of dogster friends sending my dogs cards!

Tom & I have worked on some photo presents for family. We wanted to do more personal things this year. Since we're in the midst of having some work done on the house, we're going to hold off on buying each other presents. We're finally getting more tile done, so that almost all of the rooms at one end will be finished, just the computer room now. That'll be next month. Then we've contracted to have one of the sliding glass doors replaced. They told us we'd have it done before Christmas, but the color we chose will take 6 weeks to receive - of course! And we have to have one of our 6x6 foot windows in the dining room replaced. We woke up one morning and there was a big crack in it. I think Tom slamming the slider every time he opens it (because it's so old and hard to pull) finally caused the window to crack. I was home the whole day before it cracked and nothing hit the window or left a mark. Always something to do in a house. I have lots of plans for updating or remodeling small areas. No major jobs. With the real estate market, it'll be years before we can sell this big house, so I might as well continue with replacements and upgrades.

We've both decided to work on Christmas eve. We'll have Christmas night off and then Tom is on-call for the weekend. Lauren won't be here until January. We typically don't travel for Christmas. So it'll be a quiet one.

But starting in January it will be non-stop traveling or visitors.

Thanksgiving

Tonight before dinner, Tara lit a candle to remember all those who couldn't be with us. Sarah said some wonderful things to help us remember. It brought tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for your sweet smile and flashing dark eyes.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for the way in which you touched others hearts, especially mine.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for the ways in which you impacted so many other lives.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for the natural talents you had in sports and music.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for the excitement when you approached a new experience.

I REMEMBER you Andrew, for the compassion you had for all living things.

I REMEMBER you Andrew.

I'm thankful you have been in my life. Miss your hugs and miss you being with us tonight. But I will remember sweet one.

A Call for Empathy

This beautiful 2 minute video shot entirely on a cell phone with a budget of $57! Titled "Mankind is No Island" recently won first prize at Tropfest NY. Directed by Jason van Genderen.

Stand By Me - International Video

A friend sent this to me and I just have to pass it on. Think of it like a visual "have a smile" card from me to you.

It's about 4 min. of Stand By Me (the song), and it looks like it was done by the same people who did "One Giant Leap" (the dvd").

It's A New Day!

Please Stop The Violence

I've been watching on the news for the last few days the election issue demonstrations taking place, in the name of freedom. Violence is already happening here. A friend with a NO on 8 bumper sticker, had to stop at a light where there was a YES on 8 demonstration going on. The demonstrators came up to his car and yelled at him through the windows and beat on his car. All he could do was drive away. And this has been going on for weeks here. It's being sensationalized on the news. I don't care what your position is on this subject, we have fought for the right to have different opinions and to be protected.

I hope that people stop and think that we all have choice in how we behave. That we should be here for one another, not fighting one another in our own backyards. We're all going through difficult economic times and will be faced with some tough personal decisions. I heard about McCarthyism with it's blackballing people from their work/lives from many of my elderly patients, seen the tatoos on the arms of those who went through the Holocaust, lived through civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, wars from the Cold War to Vietnam to our current wars in Afghanistan & Iraq. I'm hoping that we don't throw away the rights and freedoms we as a country have chosen.

I understand the passion and emotionalism that comes from feeling very strongly about issues. But does it have to divide us? I think there are more pressing local issues to deal with that have to do with our food & water supply, medical care for our children and the elderly, people being out of work and losing hones. It's not all going to be solved by one election or one administration. It's all a process that takes time.

If you've watched any youtube videos after a World Series win, you can see the violence that comes out in a group. Cars get overturned, property gets burned, people steal signs, even trees get torn down. This is in the name of celebration. What do we do when there are crowds and there is divisiveness. You can watch youtube videos of post-election riots in many countries. I'm hoping & praying that we don't have to go there.

I have an incredibly sweet grandson. A friend just had a new grandson born over the weekend. Many of my work friends have young children, and my friends have young grandchildren. I hope they will never have to deal with violent times.

Please stop the violence now.

Some funny videos about the election

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbEwKcs-7Hc Sarah Palin pranked by Canadian Radio show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUfGYa-CxNg Bill Maher show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BbyEbozR7g Mr. Whitekeys, an Alaskan comedien who made up skits about Alaska and it's politicians, comes out of retirement to make this video.

Grandma Alma

Grandma Alma was one of my favorite people. She died when I was ten, but I still have fond memories of her, spending a week at a time during summers. Grandma lived in San Francisco as a child. She told me of her experiences of the '06 earthquake. The family camped out in tents where UCSF is now located - where I went to undergraduate & graduate school. Her first husband died at the age of 35 from a massive heart attack. To be a woman alone back in those days was not an easy life. She remarried Grandpa Bill who was very kind to her and us.

We were certainly not the fashion plates though - check out those hairdos! !

Stowaway

When my Dad was 13 years old, he stowed away on a ship to Tahiti. This is the photo he saved of the ship. He hid on the ship but was discovered as he sneaked out to get food. The captain immediately arrested him. Needless to say, he never got to land on Tahiti ground. This must be where I get my wandering ways and love of tropical islands.

New Video

One of Andrew's friends has posted a video on facebook of Andrew and some friends. They're riding a cart down a hill. Some have several boys on them, one is Andrew by himself. It's fun to see his joy at soaring ! And the ever present group of friends, who all call him "my best friend".

New Painting

I just commissioned a painting of my Georgie. The one you see here is on ebay, not the painting of my dog. although it looks like her. Ron Krajewsky is a fabulous pet artist. He can work from photographs. It was an easy process. He is really able to capture the spirit of your pet without ever seeing them. I intend to get a few more made of our other dogs. I really admire his work. Thanks Ron!

Three months

This weekend marks 3 months since Andrew's passing. Three months since we received the worst phone call that a parent can receive. Three months since our family was thrown into chaos, grief and despair. How could this have happened? In many ways it's all a blur, in others each moment is crystal clear. On the surface we may look like we're going through life as we were before. We are just putting one foot in front of the other down a path we don't recognize and don't want to go down. We struggle to find our way back. Someone actually said to me the other day in surprise "oh, is Tom still down in the dumps". I think my mouth literally fell open as I gasped. This is truly one of life's experiences that one cannot understand unless you've been there. I don't wish it on anyone and I don't like being here. It takes so little to get to the feeling level, it's always there. We've just learned to not share every moment with others. Others ask, how are you doing? What is there to say?

Sometimes it just feels like Andrew is away at school and he'll be home again. I look at his photos and see such life in his eyes. It's hard to imagine that we don't get to look into those eyes anymore, or get/give another hug or kiss. To feel that warmth and love that passes through you when you connect at the core of your being. Right now I think we're still in shock about it. I thought we were beyond that stage, but it's like layers of an onion. You peel one layer away and find another. They're connected to each other so the essence of one layer leaks into the next. This is so not black and white. Temporarily living in the grey zone I guess. Like I said, a path we don't recognize.

Andrew we love you, we miss you. That much is certain.

Lazy Sunday

Today is another lazy Sunday. The dogs wake me early every day with no thought of me sleeping in. Feeding, walking, playing, napping. Repeating cycles. They're pretty happy without a lot of variation, they like their habits. My natural habit is to always seek new experience and change. It has served me well. I've met a lot of people, lived in different places and have had an interesting life. Lately, I'm wanting to just experience being home. I know it's related to having lost Andrew. At first, I had no interest in anything. Nothing made sense in life, and my previous interests seemed to have no value. It was all I could do to get up, go to work, take care of each other, our pets and our house. My first reaction to anything is to want to decline, but I keep seeing others, going out, staying involved. I'm beginning to wonder when this will change. At least I'm thinking about it! That's some progress.

Lauren called me this weekend and we talked for an hour. She's finally excited about something again. She's been keeping herself busy with the baby. She finally felt the need to do something also. She's been taking one class to finish out her degree. So she found herself an internship. She called and bubbled about the internship for the longest time - something we hadn't seen in her since she lost her brother. I'm so proud of her for taking care of herself and continuing on her path. It's given her hope and future goals. I think it's helping me. We are supposed to be role models for our children, but what I'm learning is that when they become adults, we can become inspired by them. A continuous cycle of growth and change.

Andrew's friends continue to stay in touch with us. They drop by, leave messages on facebook. It's hard sometimes but it fills our hearts too. It's good to watch them moving on in their lives too. College classes have started up, some of the boys are joining the military, all supporting each other and coping.

It's a lazy Sunday but I feel ok!

Treats!!!

Something my dogs would love!

Remembering Childhood

This past weekend, a couple of my brothers came to visit. One of them brought boxes of photos for us to go through. My husband spent hours scanning our favorites. There were photos of our young parents, our grandparents, our children as babies, cousins, friends, our pets, and starting at 1 week of age all the way through our 30s. We had so much fun going through and remembering the photos and our youth. With them digitized, we can share them with our children. With all the ups and downs of our lives, the bond of love for each other shows through all of them.

This is one of my favorites. It's from 1959. Check out those cool jackets and shoes. Oh and the ever present awful perm!

Six word memoirs

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Last year, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs. They sent in short life stories in droves, from the bittersweet (“Cursed with cancer, blessed with friends”) and poignant (“I still make coffee for two”) to the inspirational (“Business school? Bah! Pop music? Hurrah”) and hilarious (“I like big butts, can’t lie”).

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/

hmmm....i'll have to work on some memoirs.

Tell me a story in 6 words..

My universe

Forever Young

Live Like Andrew

Live life with compassion, passion, joyfulness and tolerance. 

See the good in others.

A Poem

A poem written by my brother Gene.  I really like it.  He's an amazing writer, I wish he'd take up writing stories again.

In a stupor on a gurney

rolling down a sterile hallway

dreaming I was riding my bike

gliding on a smooth back road

we were heading to a room

where magicians and their apprentices

would hook me to machines

that would do my living for me

while the head priest

ripped open my chest

and showed my heart a small bit

of the outside world

a sight I'm sure it has never forgotten

now when I sleep and the calm settles

does heart whisper tales to lung, spleen, liver

of the terrifying world outside?

of bright light, white creatures, noise and

the stabbing pain of needles?

In the mirror I see the long dark scar

and run my fingers over it

in wonder that a man could just drive to work

and give another something so precious

another chance at life

The Blackbirds Have Returned

Ever since West Nile Virus came to Sacramento, the blackbirds have been missing.  In 2005 and 2006, we were the national epicenter of WNV.  I worked on a national WNV study back then.  It was amazing how many referrals I had at the time.  California still has the highest numbers of infected humans reported, however the numbers have fallen.  At the time, everyone wanted to be tested for WNV, so many cases of febrile infection without neurological symptoms were found in humans.  The blackbirds were staggering around the streets with neurological problems or were laying on the ground having died from the virus.  They took to spraying insecticide in the worst areas, which included our neighborhood once - ugh!  

Here is a great website to check statistics:  http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvbid/westnile/surv&control.htm

But this year the blackbirds are back.  We live in what was once a walnut grove, so our neighborhood is covered with walnut trees.  The blackbirds arrive now and begin picking them and dropping them.  You can hear walnuts hitting and rolling off of rooftops when you walk down the street. Sometimes they drop them on your head if you go under a tree with 10 birds gathering.   And the areas under the trees are covered with cracked walnuts and lots of blackbirds eating them.  It's a big mess and annoyance.  But it looks as if nature, with some human intervention, has reversed a trend of spreading disease.    Life goes on...

Oh, and my dogs love finding the open walnuts!  Food falling from heaven, how much better can it get.  

Women against Sarah Palin

This is a blog started by two young women.  A friend sent it to me and I am forwarding it on to all of you.  Please read the blog, add your comments if so inspired and forward to the women you know.  http://womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com 

Schnauzers & a Shihtzu

My dogs are really funny.  Yesterday I got out the agility equipment and some really yummy training treats.  Finnegan immediately jumped over and through repeatedly without a problem.  But once I brought out the treats, he followed my hand as it went around the equipment!  One time Tom sat with Finn at one end of the equipment and I  was directly at the other.  We wanted to see what he would do.  When I called him, he ran as fast as he could around the equipment to get to me.  He is so cute!

Georgie, who is 13 years old with some residual vestibular symptoms and very mild hip arthritis on one side, demanded to go over the jump bar and get her treat.  That girl will do anything for a treat.  I placed the bar at the lowest setting (only an inch or so off the ground) and she immediately ran and jumped over it.   She isn't really jumping, she's just running with a little hop, a lot less than going up the stairs into the house, and I'll only let her do it a couple of times.  But she is very proud of it!  It's wonderful to watch her.  She is so beautifully stacked and has a proper show gait.  When she completes her task, she stands in all her glory showing everyone how beautiful she is.  She makes us laugh, but you can't laugh at her directly.  She really pouts because that is not respectful.

Molly has her repertoire of tricks which she will perform at the hint of a treat.  Finn has watched her twirling and mimics her.  Winston on the other hand SITS!  That's his only trick.  No matter what I try to show him, he backs away and sits.  I've asked the other dogs to explain it to him, but they just push him aside and start doing their tricks!!!  

One of the things I get Winston to do is wear out Finnegan.  When I get home from work, I open the back door and tell Winston to Get Him!  The boys rush outside and Winston chases Finn around the yard, both of them going as fast as they can.  Winston comes back to me and I tell him repeatedly to go get him.  Finnegan doesn't like to fetch, but he'll carry a toy in his mouth and Winston tries to get it.  They continue this until I think they've worked off some steam.   The girls get their hugs while all of this is going on.  Male dogs are so rambunctious.  When I just had Annie and Georgie, they never chased each other.  They ran right next to each other.  

Meanwhile the parrots are in the background shouting out commands.  "Georgie, wanna go outside?", "Finnegan, come here", "Molly be quiet", "Shush Winston".... coming home is not relaxing at our house, but it does make you laugh.  Fortunately, it doesn't take too long for everyone to settle down.

Petition

The highway where Andrew's accident occurred has a serious design flaw.  I've seen it. There is a movement by Andrew's mom, the homeowners association and the PTSA campaigning to change the road.   The ramp leads from the northbound Route 29 lanes to westbound Interstate 70, and requires drivers to cross over the southbound lanes of Route 29.  In other words, to enter the road after only a yield sign you must enter onto the fast lane of oncoming traffic.  There have been multiple petition signing events, and multiple newspaper articles.  Please consider signing the petition.

Http://www.petitiononline.com/safert29/ 

Nancy, Andrew's stepmom

Loss and moving on

I just watched a John Edwards Crossing Over Show (which I've only seen a couple of times years ago).  There was a whole episode on families losing their sons.  One was a 20 year old who died in a motorcycle crash.  The other was a son who died of leukemia.  The messages John Edwards had from both of the sons was that they wanted the families to find a balance to return to their lives.  The 20 yr old wanted his father to know that he took responsibility for the accident, the motorcycle wasn't the problem, even though the father felt guilty that he shouldn't have let him have the motorcycle.  The father rides a motorcycle and feels that his son's spirit rides with him now. This is so what Tom is going through.  The families felt like a weight was being lifted from their shoulders.  How to give that kind of message to Tom, a skeptic when it comes to any "psychic" kind of stuff.  

John Edwards also showed some of his own home videos of his family celebrations of Christmas.  When John's grandma died, he stopped celebrating with the family.  He was acknowledging the pain that one feels, but also wanted to give the message that we need to celebrate ourselves, that even though that person is not there, some essence of them will be there with us.  It's something I've been wondering about.  Lauren is coming home for Christmas.  I've been bewildered about how to handle it.  We'll find a way.  Our grandson Robert will bring joy and celebration.

Live Like Andrew!

At Andrew's memorial, some of the kids had tshirts made up that said "Live Like Andrew".  Afterwards, everyone wanted one, so Allison who made the original set up a site to sell & distribute them.  The proceeds will go towards the scholarship fund set up in Andrew's honor.  Someone else made bumper stickers, and then wrist bands and lanyards!  What a remarkable group of friends Andrew has had!  We of course have some tshirts, and I bought a dozen bumper stickers for Andrew's friends here in California.  Tonight a group of them came over to claim them.  It felt so good to have that energy in the house again.  Sitting here typing I'm choked up about Andrew not being here with them.  But he really never wanted anyone to be sad, so I'm going to try to "live like Andrew" and keep my chin up!  We miss you Andrew, but you are always with us, sweetie.

Bram

My brother Gene has had a group of friends for over 20 years that he hung out with when he lived in Sacramento.  In the early days, they called themselves the Champagne Tasting Society.  I was an honorary member of it since I visited as often as possible although I lived in Silicon Valley at the time.  There was a group of the guys who went to Boys Night Out on Wednesday nights for as long as I can remember.  They usually went to a restaurant and told a lot of stories.  A wonderful group of friends ~ teachers, artists, some medical professionals and other professionals.  All very bright, funny, creative and really there for one another.  One couple is Kermit and Bram who have been together at least 30 years.  Last week Bram had a stroke, followed by a craniotomy for some arterial problems.  Then it was wait and see.  At first it looked like he was improving.  Over the weekend, he started going downhill until it was decided he had irreversible brain damage.  Bram and Kermit had always agreed that they wouldn't let each other live in that state.  

Bram will be missed by many.  He was a retired teacher, a marching band member, a steadfast partner and amazing friend.  When his memorial is held soon, people will come from all over the world.  He was a valuable and loved human who brought much to others.  I hope you and Andrew have met and are leading the drum corp up in heaven together!  We'll take care of Kermit.  Don't worry, he's not alone. 

At the beach

Tom had 4 days scheduled off, so I managed to get mine to line up with his.  We couldn't get a housesitter, so we packed up the 4 dogs and headed for the beach.  Tom road his motorcycle with sidecar to get some things worked on from the dealer where he bought it.  I drove the car with the two male dogs in crates in the way back, and the two females on beds in the back seat.  We made good time.  We're renting a small beach cottage at one of the biggest surfing areas, so there is a lot of foot traffic going by.  Since our house is all window on one side looking out on the back yard, this is the first time Finnegan has been able to look out at the street and he's loving it.  This morning we found a trail that parallels a pond and ends at the beach.  Lots of the locals use it to get to the beach ~ moms with their kids and dogs, elderly, other dog walkers.  Finn did really well when we met other dogs.  The other 3 are always easy.  They're all liking just doing something different.

This is the town we came to 2 summers ago with the kids.  Andrew had just finished his junior year.  We brought Adam so he'd have a buddy.  Lauren was with us, and her best friend Ronnie was staying not far at his grandparents house.  The boys took surfing lessons and loved it.  Tom took them at 6am when the lessons began and took photos of them.  Andrew used one of the photos for his Myspace avatar.  I think it's still there.  They went to the boardwalk, hung out at the beach & Ronnie's house, and played cards at night.  Adam won a ball for Andrew in some game ~ our little schnauzer Winston plays with it now.  I brought my dog Annie that time ~ she had just been hospitalized with her heart condition so I didn't want to leave her with the housesitter.  We all went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant, and the kids insisted on sitting out on the deck.  Of course the fog came in and we were all shivering.  Dinner got cold before we could finish it.  But we laughed and had such a good time.  We had a great vacation that year.  I'm so glad that we have those memories.   The next year we took a cruise to the Caribbean - this time with Andrew, Lauren, Ronnie, the kids cousin Matt and Tom's sister & her husband.  Andrew had just graduated from high school & would go off to college and that was part of his graduation present.  He always loved doing family events.  Even if it was dinner together.  It won't be the same without him, but we'll continue to do that and remember him, tell stories about him and just feel his presence.

This is our first get away since the funeral.  I'm glad we're here!

Summer is Ending Soon

It's almost the end of summer.  Granted, it's still 95 degrees here but we are cooling down a lot at night sometimes into the 60s.  The Delta breezes are picking up, you can watch the leaves in the trees.  The walnuts in our trees have a bright green covering on them, and the squirrels are opening them every day checking to see if they're ready.  They're a little early, but I think they sense the change in season.  I'm looking forward to the fall.  Any change really.

I've been in our pool once all summer. The smoke from the Northern California fires was so thick during June and July that we never used the pool.  Then the kids came to visit mid-July and they started using it.  The day we found out about Andrew, I was pulling weeds in the backyard.  I was thinking about Andrew and a funny comment he had made about that weed patch.  I got up to answer the phone and left the container of weeds and my gloves next to it.  The container sat until yesterday when I was finally emotionally able to go out there and start cleaning up again.  It was hard to face that weed patch again.  But time moves on and it seemed time to pull weeds and tear down cobwebs.  In the yard and in my mind.  Baby steps they call it.

I've been seeing a lot of old friends lately.  I saw 4 of them at the state fair last weekend.  I was 19 when I met them, the same age as Andrew.  It was wonderful to see them and to feel the comfort of their friendship.  This weekend was time for my family - a brother and his wife, daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter.  Three generations.  The content and continuity of life ~ feeling the past with my brother and seeing the future with his granddaughter.  There is comfort in that too.

My sweet schnauzer Georgie is having some health problems.  Repeated episodes of vestibular dysfunction.  We went to the vet on Friday.  Her symptoms and their findings indicate a more central cause, possibly a brain lesion.  We go to the neurologist next.  She may not be able to tolerate the anesthesia she'll need for an MRI or for any resulting surgery.  It's so hard to know what to do sometimes.  I'm keeping her comfortable and spending as much time as possible with her.  Just being present, that's all we can do.

I so want to stop working, but I'm caught with that bureaucratic carrot pulling me toward retirement with an income.  I have 1 year left, actually about 11 months.  That's not long in the scheme of things but when so much is going on emotionally, it would be nice to be able to say OK I've had enough.  Sometimes life is a challenge!

In the words of Robert Frost ~ "I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on".

New Toys and Old Friends

I received 2 new toys this past week.  I have the new iPhone.  It has so much memory, the GPS is great and lots of software apps to add.  My biggest complaint is that the size is slightly different ~ thinner but slightly larger.  Enough that all of the old accessories do not fit.  My case still fits, but the docking station doesn't.  The cords are all good but the alarm clock isn't.  That doesn't seem fair.  What are you gonna do!  Obviously they knew that.  My birthday present is a new iMac with a 24 inch screen.  It is awesome ~ it is so fast, and the screen is so clear!  The color is phenomenal.  It has Intel processors so I have the option of using it like a PC.  I've been fighting not to give up my PC, but now that I have this, I love it!  iPhoto is a lot easier than I thought and I love the way you can make folders for events.  I have to admit, that I don't know what took me so long!  In a house with 2 apple computers, 2 apple laptops and 2 iphones, what was I thinking???  Even my 85 year old mother in law moved to apple computers.  Some habits die slowly...

I have had a lot of contact the past couple of weeks with old friends.  Some are friends from my 20s.  They've really been there for me.  My boyfriend from age 19 said some of the most real, heartfelt things that a man could say about the loss of a child.  My roommate from my 20s gently said you never get over the loss of a child ~ a reality that helps this grief make sense, as much as it could or should make sense.   Most people say there are no words, and true there are none.  But these people have spoken to my soul and helped me to see that someday there will be a type of healing and the journey along the way is as it should be.  I'm really fortunate.

And then I planned a get together with Gordon & Chuck.  We haven't been able to get together for a long time.  They are real and outspoken and true friends.  They've been through a lot of loss in their lives.  The night before we were going to get together, Tom and I were out to dinner.  And who should come in, but Gordon & Chuck, their moms, and another couple ~ they had all just had a private ceremony finally getting married after being together for 28 years.  It was such a surprise to be able to be there.  I stood up from our table and kept saying OMG, OMG, OMG!  They were just as surprised and excited as I was.  They had been so incredibly supportive of me, that they had withheld their happiness until after they helped me.  We bought champagne for everyone and said a toast.  It was so wonderful.  Then we slipped out so they could celebrate without worrying about us.  Then the next night they came over for dinner.  We laughed, we cried, we celebrated and renewed our friendships.  Gordon just kept saying "there's a reason for all of this".  Life does have some wondrous mysteries.

Life goes on...

Each day is going by, and I feel like I'm just getting by.  Tom & I are having a difficult time, but we're back to work.  You just do what you have to do.  It all seems a bit much sometimes.  People of course are very supportive, but work requires the same level of commitment, production, etc...but neither of us want to be there.  It's been harder on Tom, especially when he has to take care of young patients.  But I can't imagine sitting at home...that would be so sad.  We see a lot of people, and we go out whenever we're invited to do something which is frequently right now.  My reaction is to think NO!, but I think he needs the support from friends and family.  It's easier for me with women friends and co-workers to talk about what's going on.  Not as easy for him.  The shock is still present but we get glimpses of what this is all about.  One of those events in life that is just going to be really hard.  We'll get through this.

It's interesting today that I met with 2 of my former colleagues that I haven't seen in a year.  I like both of them a lot.  I'll be working on a project for them for a few months.  And then at a restaurant tonight I ran into a former supervisor, someone I really admire.  There's a lesson in all that somewhere that I'll have to figure out.

I participated as a model in a photo shoot today.  It was put together by Public Affairs for new ads and brochures for our med center/university.  It was actually a lot of fun.  There were some people that I used to see a lot at work but now rarely.  And some new people that I've never met that are using me in a photo and giving me feedback about how I appear - they know nothing about my personal life.  They all had such big smiles that it put a smile on my face and actually made me feel better.  I vaguely remember that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile - I have no idea if that is fact or fiction.  I wonder if I just put a smile on my face if it would stay there and make me feel better.  I've seen some people this week who were more emotional than I was at the moment that we met.  They think I'm so brave and strong.  It's just that we crossed paths when I was able to forget for a while or to keep it all in control.  I wonder what they'd think if I had a smile on my face?  I wouldn't want to be off-putting!  As hard as it is to have to confront each new person and review my feelings, it's real and feels appropriate.  

Georgie has had a reoccurrence of her vestibular dysfunction.  She has vertigo like symptoms.  Poor little thing stumbling around, sometimes having difficulty focusing her vision.  But she's a feisty little thing that insists on her routines.  She wants to walk up and down the 2 steps to get in and out of the house.  This morning I carried her outside.  When she was ready to go back inside, she walked up to the top of the 2nd stair then sat looking at the door.  I picked her and placed her inside the house.  Little bugger, went back outside and walked up that last step by herself!!!  She can walk the full block but gets tired & dizzy but pauses long enough to refocus and keep going.  Her spirit is amazing.  

Tonight I checked our blood pressure readings.  I wanted to check Tom's bp because I know he's having such a hard time.  His was ok, but mine was extremely high.  It scared me.  I relaxed and it went back down to normal.  It's strange that you could pop the top of your head off and not even know that you're leading up to it.  I need to start focusing on my health - physical and mental!  I need to be here for my family.

Well, lots of thoughts and feelings...I guess I'll just let them simmer and see what evaporates and what essence is left!

What about the dogs?

They've been amazing little companions the last couple of weeks.  They were really distressed when so many people began filling the house, they pick up what everyone is feeling but they don't really understand.  Georgie has been clinging to me.  She is either standing next to me, sitting on my lap, napping curled up with me or looking for me.  We've been through a lot together, she knows my heart.  Molly has been very quiet, but when all of the dogs greet me at the door she pushes her way through the crowd to get to me.  She's been very sweet as usual.  She requires so little attention that I have to remember to give her equal attention.  Finnegan has been adorable.  He's still feisty and playful, but watches me like a hawk.  I've had a lot of feedback about him recently since so many people have been in the house.  Everyone says he is so lovable.  He really is, he has come a long way over the past year.  He is a little nervous with what is going on, but he's a pretty happy boy.  He's wonderful on walks now.  He wasn't even leash trained when I got him.  Poor little Winston is having a very hard time.  We've had him for 9 months now, and he is just beginning to trust us and to ask for affection.  All of the people in our house make him nervous.  He runs around barking at everyone.  He's learning about time outs!  

One thing about having pets, especially dogs, is that you get immediate feedback about what energy you're putting out.  All they want to do is please you, so it keeps you on your toes.  I constantly get reminded to have patience!

One foot in front of the other

All I can do is put one foot in front of the other.  The smallest things make me think of Andrew.  Now when I talk about him, I cry.  But it's what we go through.  I don't think this ever ends.  And that's ok.  I didn't expect this type of heartbreak that comes with loving a child but I won't deny it.  Andrew wouldn't want everyone to be sad but I don't want anyone to forget what we know, feel and experience in Andrew.

Alexander Wolcott wrote the following to a friend whose child had died:

"One of the privileges of my life is to have known him.  Among the few things I'm sure of is this - as long as I live, as long as I remember anything at all, I will always remember him, not hazily, no perfume growing fainter and fainter with time, no mere formless glow like the setting sun shining on snow, but sharp and clear forever, like some precise and perfect masterpiece, a Vermeer, changeless as long as paint and canvas last.  And years from now, when you are old and I am so feeble I can just about walk and change brings us together in some town, you will be glad to see me and won't even have to talk to me because you'll know without any word from me that I'm still thinking of him with undiminished respect.  Indeed, that I cannot, cannot forget him."

I hope that's how everyone will carry Andrew with them.

Another day, another year

Today is my 58th birthday.  It's hard to believe that I've lived so many years.  Up until recently, I kept wondering what I was going to be when I grew up.  Getting closer to retirement, I don't worry about it anymore.  Over the past year I've recognized I've achieved all that I want to in my career.  I have a great husband and kids, I live comfortably and life is good.  I AM what I'm going to be cuz I finally grew up!  Richard L. and I used to laugh about starting the Church of Popeye ~ I yam what I yam.  That kind of fits now.

I've aged tremendously in the last week.  We shouldn't have to outlive our children.  I will forever carry some level of longing to re-do this past week, to see our Andrew growing up, having his own family & career.  One result is that my achievements aren't driving me any longer.  I still do what is required of me ~ I take care of myself & others, I go to work, I take care of my dogs.  But now I'm trying to figure out what my focus should be.  It's confusing when you do everything that you know is right and good but something so tragic happens.

So some sadness on this birthday.  But some rebirth going on ~ that's always a good thing.

Getting back out there

Well it didn't go so well today. When I got to my office there were several plants and cards for me. One card & donation from our admin office ~ that one made me cry. I thought I was going to be ok, but when I walked out to the nursing station I burst into tears. I had a patient waiting along with the researcher & lab tech so I had to pull it together to get that done. It went ok and was over fairly fast. Then I basically did nothing except answer email. I cried, I talked, I cried, I laughed, it was exhausting...by noon I had enough and came home. I curled up on the couch with Georgie & slept! The rest of the pack joined us. Poor Tom is on call tonight so there is no telling how late he will be. I picked up some gourmet food to go! So whenever he gets here we can just relax & have some dinner.

The AC motor died over the weekend. Fortunately it's down to the high 80s today so we've been ok. We have 2 AC units, one at each end of the house. At 3am on Saturday night after returning home, the one at our bedroom end of the house started squealing. So it's been off, but the other end of the house has been cool so we had some refuge. But today all is well, it's back in order.

After that was done, someone knocked on the door & the phone rang at the same time. Ronnie was at the door ~ he is childhood friends with Lauren, in fact since they were babies. And on the phone was Cathy, Adam's mother. Adam & Andrew started pre-school together at 3 years old. We've taken both Ronnie & Adam on family vacations with us. They're like our other children. They all got back from MD last night and were checking in with us. I'm glad, we need the support. Apparently, Andrew's childhood friends are having a candlelight vigil at Andrew's grammar school tonight. So hard for them, having not been able to go to Maryland to the funeral/service. So much pain.

Sunday we did see Gary, another childhood friend. He flew out to MD with us but had to come back on Friday. It was good to connect to him again too. He works at the Apple store, he gave us an iHug!

At least I found out Lauren is alright. She's not answering her phone. I texted her last night to ask how she's doing. Her response was "who is this, I lost all the numbers in my phone". At least I know she's there. Ronnie said she was doing alright. That baby & Josh her husband happened at the right time. Did I mention that the baby was born on Andrew's birthday? Everyone says he's a "replacement". Wierd thought. He is his own little self and we'll love him as much as Andrew but he gets to be whoever Robert is going to be!

Last night I went in Andrew's bedroom, the one he uses when he stays here during the summers and holidays. How I wish he had been here instead of planning on coming out in August. Maybe, just maybe... at least we could've given him more hugs. The room felt so cold. It'll be some time before I can go in there again.

Our house is filling up with flowers and plants. People are so kind. Even the smallest gesture is so appreciated. Thank you everyone!

Andrew

Life

What an incredible month we've had. We started with a 10 day vacation to my brother's in Oregon. It was lovely, peaceful, beautiful. When we got back, Lauren & Josh & the baby came to visit. We were having so much fun. I adore Robert, he's such a good, cute baby. I have a knack for calming him and putting him to sleep. Lauren is growing up to be such a nice woman and mother. I also adore Josh ~ he is so good to everyone.

While they were here, we got the horrible news that Andrew was killed while riding his motorcycle. Only 19 years old.  Even though he is my stepson, he is still my son, the only son I have. It is such a tragedy, so sad. He was riding his motorcycle down a highway on his way to a friend's house. There is a crossover highway that enters the fast lane, only a yield sign. Someone pulled out and didn't see Andrew until he struck the side of their SUV. He died instantly. Oh it hurts so bad. We are all so sad.

We went back to Maryland for the funeral. It was so hard to say good-bye. I kept waiting for him to sit up and join us, to say this was all just one of his jokes. But it never happened. The memorial at the church was 2 hours long. His friends put the program together with the help of the minister & one of the fathers. 20 kids were on stage and each said Andrew was his best friend, and meant it. When they cried, they hugged each other. Many of them were his football team mates. Some were his childhood friends. We found that he was a phenomenal friend to everyone, loved by so many. It was very touching. Andrew was also in the drum corp during high school. At the end, the drum corp accompanied him as he was being wheeled out. That was the hardest time, knowing he was being taken away and we would never see him again. Oh Andrew, you are loved and already missed by so many.

How do we all get over this? My husband, his ex-wife who is Andrew's mother, and Lauren who is Andrew's sister. Her husband, both families and me. Sometimes life isn't fair and it's really hard to understand.

I did speak to a psychic friend who said his time had come to an end, he was peaceful where he was. Life wasn't always peaceful for him with divorced parents living bi-coastal. That can never be easy for a child. He was truly empathic, always trying to be the peacemaker between his parents. He was torn between his two parents, and didn't know how to choose who to be with. She said he was upset that so many people were sad. Something many of us will hold for a while. My husband always thought Andrew would come home to California some day so they would have the rest of their lives together. Lately had been those difficult years when he wasn't the greatest communicator with his dad. I know my husband is hurting and I can't do anything but love him & be with him. But that's what I can do. And the same for the rest of the family, for that's what we are ~ family.

I'm still numb, intermittently crying. I know I'll be searching for inspiration to help me understand all of this. Life is certainly unexpected sometimes. Here is part of something someone sent right after we found out:

Not In The Plan

To all who share in the grief and joy of the life of Andrew

Most days are filled with activity and the hope of accomplishing a list of responsibilities compiled by both necessity and desire.

Our lives usually include some relationship with others... our family...friends, neighbors, community of faith or just ordinary contact with the usual flow of people around us.

Special events may occur marking specific and additional purposes to be involved with projects or intentions beyond our usual routines.

But sometimes... when one may least expect it... something happens that is... "not in the plan".

Terrible consequences come... seemingly out of the blue... that were...

"not in the plan".

No one is prepared to lose someone they love... someone they know who gives so much of self in loving and caring ways.

This great loss is "not in the plan".

And so we wonder... we stand helpless and questioning... alone and together.

We continue to do the things that are expected of us... even in the tragedy of our grief... asking God for strength... for direction... for compassion... and for justice.

Yesterday was NOT IN THE PLAN.

Today is forever changed.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation with my husband, visiting my brother & his wife in Oregon. It was a relief to leave California. There have been over 1,000 fires burning in CA and smoke is filling the air. It's depressing and very unhealthy. I'm at the ocean, breathing clean air again. I also have my oldest schnauzer with me. It's been a great time.

This is a vacation from work, from the daily chores, from my mental stressors. I've been to the beach, walked a lot with my dog, visited my family, visited some art galleries, and read. I'm loving it. It's also nice to see my husband and brother spending time together. They both have new Ural motorcycles with sidecars and are having fun riding and working on them. A great pleasure for Tom, and for me to see Tom so happy.

I'm loving being with Georgie. She is an exceptional dog, so smart, so sweet, so friendly. Tonight we actually walked around the block with her off of the leash, only following voice commands. I'd forgotten she knows how to do that. We used to walk that way at some point but now she has to be on a leash all of the time. This is a special trip for us, it may be our last trip together alone without all of the other dogs. She's 13 now, and her health isn't the best. I have to be realistic and realize she won't be with me forever. It's a hard thing to even think about without tearing up. I lost her sister Annie 1-1/2 years ago. Losing both of them will be one of those marks in time ~ time will be measured by either before or after Georgie & Annie. It will be a time of heartbreak. But for now I'm cherishing every moment. Taking lots of photos and videos. I only have 1 video of Annie. I love to look at it and see her healthy & happy. I have both of their footprints. I wonder about taking a snip of hair. Some people do that, but I'm not sure it helps. For now I'll wash her hair, and comb it. Lots of pets and hugs. Tonight I gave her a massage. Helping her old bones relax. It's amazing how sweet and loving a little 13 lb creature can be. My life drastically improved by adding this little schnauzer to it! Thank you little one.

Mothers

Today I sent flowers for mother's day. For my mother-in-law, a spunky 82 year old former school teacher. She makes every conversation an interesting one. The first Christmas present she sent us was a globe of the world. She forwards me email humor and photos. For her, there are no limitations. The second gift of flowers was to our daughter for her first mother's day. Pretty pink roses and chocolates...I guess I'm still holding the image of that younger girl who only wanted things in pink. We were at her house recently, and her bedroom was decorated in blue. That finally helped me know it was ok to change out her bedroom in our home to the guest bedroom. No more shocking pink bedding and pink flowers. Now it's cool blue and chocolate browns, very modern, no flowers. I will always see her enveloped in the white down comforter surrounded by pink pillows in that room. Will I ever let that image grow up? I think so.

I also think of my own mother, who gave her whole being to bringing children into the world and raising them. Six of us - 5 boys and a girl. She gave so tirelessly. She was equal in every way to my father. She was incredibly special, no words to really describe her. I remember her sewing little doll clothes for my dolls, letting me make tents under the dining room table with my girlfriends, taking me to see the Parent Trap and Elvis movies, eating Foster's Freeze soft ice cream cones together, teaching (or trying to) all the skills one needs to become a woman. I know she was proud of me, even if during my younger years I was a tomboy. She wanted a girl with frilly dresses, I wanted to play football with my brothers. Eventually I came around when I married my first husband. It all made sense then. She was truly a gifted woman, and I was very lucky. Thanks for all you did mom, and continue to do from heaven (I know that you still watch out for me). I miss you and have for many years. But I still think of you and love you.

What would we be if we didn't share between generations?

Georgie

This is Georgie. She is my first and oldest schnauzer at 13 years old. She came from a show breeder in Florida. She was 1/2 inch too short to show, so she was labeled pet quality. Strange designation, isn't it? I'd say she is a quality pet. She has been amazing. She truly touches my heart. We can communicate without words, just by looking in each other's eyes. I know what she needs or wants, and she knows how to get it from me!!! She's a typical terrier who is extremely smart, independent, often stubborn. Fortunately, she's not a yappy barker. She used to daily check the perimeter wherever she was. She was also a master squirrel chaser, although she never caught one. We have traveled across the US together. Georgie has been the leader of the pack. She had a sister who crossed the Rainbow Bridge and the 3 of us were inseparable. We previously had a golden retriever and our shihtzu with the 2 schnauzer girls. Although Boomer, the golden, was the biggest & strongest he always let Georgie have her way. Amongst the 3 little dogs, she was always in charge. She has had to put up with 2 younger male schnauzers over the past year. She seems to accommodate them into her realm. She's the Grande Dame of the Pack now, getting the respect she deserves although she isn't the leader so much these days. These days she's a little more relaxed, preferring to go for walks and to nap and to cuddle. She's happy to keep to herself and me or my husband. Winter was rough on her health. She had a string of illnesses and 2 hospitalizations. But now is back to normal although she's showing her age. I've learned a lot by living with her. Probably what gets reinforced every day of my life with her is unconditional love. She looks at me with those big brown eyes and my heart melts. I would do anything for her. She has taught me to relax, to be patient, to not be so worried about keeping the house spotless, and to find creative ways to deal with her stubbornness since she only weighs 11 lbs. Her stubbornness seems to be getting worse this past year. Probably because I started spoiling her after all of her illnesses. She used to be so well behaved! My final resort is to pick her up and carry her to where I want to go!!! Little bugger. I feel very lucky to have found such a wonderful quality pet as my first schnauzer. I love this little dog!

at the beginning

I really should say at the end, since it's almost 1:30 am on a work night. But this is that quiet time when often my brain kicks in to hear my own thoughts. Not the dogs running & wrestling & barking, or the parrots screeching, or the husband talking, or the tv noise, or the work scenarios running through my head. It's my time. Quiet time. No one wanting anything from me. I've always loved this time of night. I'm a nocturnal animal...if I could I'd sleep all day and prowl around at night. But I have to co-exist with others in the "real" world, so I sleep at night eventually and am up all day.

I really should go to sleep. Tomorrow I'm getting a citation for excellence in my work. I may have a photo taken with all of the nominees. I guess I'll just have bags under my eyes...ah, the baggage of many years of work, we'll call it. Then I have to take a 4 hr class on entering orders in an electronic medical record. My brain function should be interesting. I'd rather spend 4 hrs just playing on a computer instead of learning to order it around. Again, someone else's idea of the order of things.

Soon I'll be able to set my own time, my own agendas. This is the countdown to those days!

More later...