Life

What an incredible month we've had. We started with a 10 day vacation to my brother's in Oregon. It was lovely, peaceful, beautiful. When we got back, Lauren & Josh & the baby came to visit. We were having so much fun. I adore Robert, he's such a good, cute baby. I have a knack for calming him and putting him to sleep. Lauren is growing up to be such a nice woman and mother. I also adore Josh ~ he is so good to everyone.

While they were here, we got the horrible news that Andrew was killed while riding his motorcycle. Only 19 years old.  Even though he is my stepson, he is still my son, the only son I have. It is such a tragedy, so sad. He was riding his motorcycle down a highway on his way to a friend's house. There is a crossover highway that enters the fast lane, only a yield sign. Someone pulled out and didn't see Andrew until he struck the side of their SUV. He died instantly. Oh it hurts so bad. We are all so sad.

We went back to Maryland for the funeral. It was so hard to say good-bye. I kept waiting for him to sit up and join us, to say this was all just one of his jokes. But it never happened. The memorial at the church was 2 hours long. His friends put the program together with the help of the minister & one of the fathers. 20 kids were on stage and each said Andrew was his best friend, and meant it. When they cried, they hugged each other. Many of them were his football team mates. Some were his childhood friends. We found that he was a phenomenal friend to everyone, loved by so many. It was very touching. Andrew was also in the drum corp during high school. At the end, the drum corp accompanied him as he was being wheeled out. That was the hardest time, knowing he was being taken away and we would never see him again. Oh Andrew, you are loved and already missed by so many.

How do we all get over this? My husband, his ex-wife who is Andrew's mother, and Lauren who is Andrew's sister. Her husband, both families and me. Sometimes life isn't fair and it's really hard to understand.

I did speak to a psychic friend who said his time had come to an end, he was peaceful where he was. Life wasn't always peaceful for him with divorced parents living bi-coastal. That can never be easy for a child. He was truly empathic, always trying to be the peacemaker between his parents. He was torn between his two parents, and didn't know how to choose who to be with. She said he was upset that so many people were sad. Something many of us will hold for a while. My husband always thought Andrew would come home to California some day so they would have the rest of their lives together. Lately had been those difficult years when he wasn't the greatest communicator with his dad. I know my husband is hurting and I can't do anything but love him & be with him. But that's what I can do. And the same for the rest of the family, for that's what we are ~ family.

I'm still numb, intermittently crying. I know I'll be searching for inspiration to help me understand all of this. Life is certainly unexpected sometimes. Here is part of something someone sent right after we found out:

Not In The Plan

To all who share in the grief and joy of the life of Andrew

Most days are filled with activity and the hope of accomplishing a list of responsibilities compiled by both necessity and desire.

Our lives usually include some relationship with others... our family...friends, neighbors, community of faith or just ordinary contact with the usual flow of people around us.

Special events may occur marking specific and additional purposes to be involved with projects or intentions beyond our usual routines.

But sometimes... when one may least expect it... something happens that is... "not in the plan".

Terrible consequences come... seemingly out of the blue... that were...

"not in the plan".

No one is prepared to lose someone they love... someone they know who gives so much of self in loving and caring ways.

This great loss is "not in the plan".

And so we wonder... we stand helpless and questioning... alone and together.

We continue to do the things that are expected of us... even in the tragedy of our grief... asking God for strength... for direction... for compassion... and for justice.

Yesterday was NOT IN THE PLAN.

Today is forever changed.