Three months

This weekend marks 3 months since Andrew's passing. Three months since we received the worst phone call that a parent can receive. Three months since our family was thrown into chaos, grief and despair. How could this have happened? In many ways it's all a blur, in others each moment is crystal clear. On the surface we may look like we're going through life as we were before. We are just putting one foot in front of the other down a path we don't recognize and don't want to go down. We struggle to find our way back. Someone actually said to me the other day in surprise "oh, is Tom still down in the dumps". I think my mouth literally fell open as I gasped. This is truly one of life's experiences that one cannot understand unless you've been there. I don't wish it on anyone and I don't like being here. It takes so little to get to the feeling level, it's always there. We've just learned to not share every moment with others. Others ask, how are you doing? What is there to say?

Sometimes it just feels like Andrew is away at school and he'll be home again. I look at his photos and see such life in his eyes. It's hard to imagine that we don't get to look into those eyes anymore, or get/give another hug or kiss. To feel that warmth and love that passes through you when you connect at the core of your being. Right now I think we're still in shock about it. I thought we were beyond that stage, but it's like layers of an onion. You peel one layer away and find another. They're connected to each other so the essence of one layer leaks into the next. This is so not black and white. Temporarily living in the grey zone I guess. Like I said, a path we don't recognize.

Andrew we love you, we miss you. That much is certain.