Another day, another year

Today is my 58th birthday.  It's hard to believe that I've lived so many years.  Up until recently, I kept wondering what I was going to be when I grew up.  Getting closer to retirement, I don't worry about it anymore.  Over the past year I've recognized I've achieved all that I want to in my career.  I have a great husband and kids, I live comfortably and life is good.  I AM what I'm going to be cuz I finally grew up!  Richard L. and I used to laugh about starting the Church of Popeye ~ I yam what I yam.  That kind of fits now.

I've aged tremendously in the last week.  We shouldn't have to outlive our children.  I will forever carry some level of longing to re-do this past week, to see our Andrew growing up, having his own family & career.  One result is that my achievements aren't driving me any longer.  I still do what is required of me ~ I take care of myself & others, I go to work, I take care of my dogs.  But now I'm trying to figure out what my focus should be.  It's confusing when you do everything that you know is right and good but something so tragic happens.

So some sadness on this birthday.  But some rebirth going on ~ that's always a good thing.

Getting back out there

Well it didn't go so well today. When I got to my office there were several plants and cards for me. One card & donation from our admin office ~ that one made me cry. I thought I was going to be ok, but when I walked out to the nursing station I burst into tears. I had a patient waiting along with the researcher & lab tech so I had to pull it together to get that done. It went ok and was over fairly fast. Then I basically did nothing except answer email. I cried, I talked, I cried, I laughed, it was exhausting...by noon I had enough and came home. I curled up on the couch with Georgie & slept! The rest of the pack joined us. Poor Tom is on call tonight so there is no telling how late he will be. I picked up some gourmet food to go! So whenever he gets here we can just relax & have some dinner.

The AC motor died over the weekend. Fortunately it's down to the high 80s today so we've been ok. We have 2 AC units, one at each end of the house. At 3am on Saturday night after returning home, the one at our bedroom end of the house started squealing. So it's been off, but the other end of the house has been cool so we had some refuge. But today all is well, it's back in order.

After that was done, someone knocked on the door & the phone rang at the same time. Ronnie was at the door ~ he is childhood friends with Lauren, in fact since they were babies. And on the phone was Cathy, Adam's mother. Adam & Andrew started pre-school together at 3 years old. We've taken both Ronnie & Adam on family vacations with us. They're like our other children. They all got back from MD last night and were checking in with us. I'm glad, we need the support. Apparently, Andrew's childhood friends are having a candlelight vigil at Andrew's grammar school tonight. So hard for them, having not been able to go to Maryland to the funeral/service. So much pain.

Sunday we did see Gary, another childhood friend. He flew out to MD with us but had to come back on Friday. It was good to connect to him again too. He works at the Apple store, he gave us an iHug!

At least I found out Lauren is alright. She's not answering her phone. I texted her last night to ask how she's doing. Her response was "who is this, I lost all the numbers in my phone". At least I know she's there. Ronnie said she was doing alright. That baby & Josh her husband happened at the right time. Did I mention that the baby was born on Andrew's birthday? Everyone says he's a "replacement". Wierd thought. He is his own little self and we'll love him as much as Andrew but he gets to be whoever Robert is going to be!

Last night I went in Andrew's bedroom, the one he uses when he stays here during the summers and holidays. How I wish he had been here instead of planning on coming out in August. Maybe, just maybe... at least we could've given him more hugs. The room felt so cold. It'll be some time before I can go in there again.

Our house is filling up with flowers and plants. People are so kind. Even the smallest gesture is so appreciated. Thank you everyone!

Andrew

Life

What an incredible month we've had. We started with a 10 day vacation to my brother's in Oregon. It was lovely, peaceful, beautiful. When we got back, Lauren & Josh & the baby came to visit. We were having so much fun. I adore Robert, he's such a good, cute baby. I have a knack for calming him and putting him to sleep. Lauren is growing up to be such a nice woman and mother. I also adore Josh ~ he is so good to everyone.

While they were here, we got the horrible news that Andrew was killed while riding his motorcycle. Only 19 years old.  Even though he is my stepson, he is still my son, the only son I have. It is such a tragedy, so sad. He was riding his motorcycle down a highway on his way to a friend's house. There is a crossover highway that enters the fast lane, only a yield sign. Someone pulled out and didn't see Andrew until he struck the side of their SUV. He died instantly. Oh it hurts so bad. We are all so sad.

We went back to Maryland for the funeral. It was so hard to say good-bye. I kept waiting for him to sit up and join us, to say this was all just one of his jokes. But it never happened. The memorial at the church was 2 hours long. His friends put the program together with the help of the minister & one of the fathers. 20 kids were on stage and each said Andrew was his best friend, and meant it. When they cried, they hugged each other. Many of them were his football team mates. Some were his childhood friends. We found that he was a phenomenal friend to everyone, loved by so many. It was very touching. Andrew was also in the drum corp during high school. At the end, the drum corp accompanied him as he was being wheeled out. That was the hardest time, knowing he was being taken away and we would never see him again. Oh Andrew, you are loved and already missed by so many.

How do we all get over this? My husband, his ex-wife who is Andrew's mother, and Lauren who is Andrew's sister. Her husband, both families and me. Sometimes life isn't fair and it's really hard to understand.

I did speak to a psychic friend who said his time had come to an end, he was peaceful where he was. Life wasn't always peaceful for him with divorced parents living bi-coastal. That can never be easy for a child. He was truly empathic, always trying to be the peacemaker between his parents. He was torn between his two parents, and didn't know how to choose who to be with. She said he was upset that so many people were sad. Something many of us will hold for a while. My husband always thought Andrew would come home to California some day so they would have the rest of their lives together. Lately had been those difficult years when he wasn't the greatest communicator with his dad. I know my husband is hurting and I can't do anything but love him & be with him. But that's what I can do. And the same for the rest of the family, for that's what we are ~ family.

I'm still numb, intermittently crying. I know I'll be searching for inspiration to help me understand all of this. Life is certainly unexpected sometimes. Here is part of something someone sent right after we found out:

Not In The Plan

To all who share in the grief and joy of the life of Andrew

Most days are filled with activity and the hope of accomplishing a list of responsibilities compiled by both necessity and desire.

Our lives usually include some relationship with others... our family...friends, neighbors, community of faith or just ordinary contact with the usual flow of people around us.

Special events may occur marking specific and additional purposes to be involved with projects or intentions beyond our usual routines.

But sometimes... when one may least expect it... something happens that is... "not in the plan".

Terrible consequences come... seemingly out of the blue... that were...

"not in the plan".

No one is prepared to lose someone they love... someone they know who gives so much of self in loving and caring ways.

This great loss is "not in the plan".

And so we wonder... we stand helpless and questioning... alone and together.

We continue to do the things that are expected of us... even in the tragedy of our grief... asking God for strength... for direction... for compassion... and for justice.

Yesterday was NOT IN THE PLAN.

Today is forever changed.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation with my husband, visiting my brother & his wife in Oregon. It was a relief to leave California. There have been over 1,000 fires burning in CA and smoke is filling the air. It's depressing and very unhealthy. I'm at the ocean, breathing clean air again. I also have my oldest schnauzer with me. It's been a great time.

This is a vacation from work, from the daily chores, from my mental stressors. I've been to the beach, walked a lot with my dog, visited my family, visited some art galleries, and read. I'm loving it. It's also nice to see my husband and brother spending time together. They both have new Ural motorcycles with sidecars and are having fun riding and working on them. A great pleasure for Tom, and for me to see Tom so happy.

I'm loving being with Georgie. She is an exceptional dog, so smart, so sweet, so friendly. Tonight we actually walked around the block with her off of the leash, only following voice commands. I'd forgotten she knows how to do that. We used to walk that way at some point but now she has to be on a leash all of the time. This is a special trip for us, it may be our last trip together alone without all of the other dogs. She's 13 now, and her health isn't the best. I have to be realistic and realize she won't be with me forever. It's a hard thing to even think about without tearing up. I lost her sister Annie 1-1/2 years ago. Losing both of them will be one of those marks in time ~ time will be measured by either before or after Georgie & Annie. It will be a time of heartbreak. But for now I'm cherishing every moment. Taking lots of photos and videos. I only have 1 video of Annie. I love to look at it and see her healthy & happy. I have both of their footprints. I wonder about taking a snip of hair. Some people do that, but I'm not sure it helps. For now I'll wash her hair, and comb it. Lots of pets and hugs. Tonight I gave her a massage. Helping her old bones relax. It's amazing how sweet and loving a little 13 lb creature can be. My life drastically improved by adding this little schnauzer to it! Thank you little one.

Mothers

Today I sent flowers for mother's day. For my mother-in-law, a spunky 82 year old former school teacher. She makes every conversation an interesting one. The first Christmas present she sent us was a globe of the world. She forwards me email humor and photos. For her, there are no limitations. The second gift of flowers was to our daughter for her first mother's day. Pretty pink roses and chocolates...I guess I'm still holding the image of that younger girl who only wanted things in pink. We were at her house recently, and her bedroom was decorated in blue. That finally helped me know it was ok to change out her bedroom in our home to the guest bedroom. No more shocking pink bedding and pink flowers. Now it's cool blue and chocolate browns, very modern, no flowers. I will always see her enveloped in the white down comforter surrounded by pink pillows in that room. Will I ever let that image grow up? I think so.

I also think of my own mother, who gave her whole being to bringing children into the world and raising them. Six of us - 5 boys and a girl. She gave so tirelessly. She was equal in every way to my father. She was incredibly special, no words to really describe her. I remember her sewing little doll clothes for my dolls, letting me make tents under the dining room table with my girlfriends, taking me to see the Parent Trap and Elvis movies, eating Foster's Freeze soft ice cream cones together, teaching (or trying to) all the skills one needs to become a woman. I know she was proud of me, even if during my younger years I was a tomboy. She wanted a girl with frilly dresses, I wanted to play football with my brothers. Eventually I came around when I married my first husband. It all made sense then. She was truly a gifted woman, and I was very lucky. Thanks for all you did mom, and continue to do from heaven (I know that you still watch out for me). I miss you and have for many years. But I still think of you and love you.

What would we be if we didn't share between generations?

Georgie

This is Georgie. She is my first and oldest schnauzer at 13 years old. She came from a show breeder in Florida. She was 1/2 inch too short to show, so she was labeled pet quality. Strange designation, isn't it? I'd say she is a quality pet. She has been amazing. She truly touches my heart. We can communicate without words, just by looking in each other's eyes. I know what she needs or wants, and she knows how to get it from me!!! She's a typical terrier who is extremely smart, independent, often stubborn. Fortunately, she's not a yappy barker. She used to daily check the perimeter wherever she was. She was also a master squirrel chaser, although she never caught one. We have traveled across the US together. Georgie has been the leader of the pack. She had a sister who crossed the Rainbow Bridge and the 3 of us were inseparable. We previously had a golden retriever and our shihtzu with the 2 schnauzer girls. Although Boomer, the golden, was the biggest & strongest he always let Georgie have her way. Amongst the 3 little dogs, she was always in charge. She has had to put up with 2 younger male schnauzers over the past year. She seems to accommodate them into her realm. She's the Grande Dame of the Pack now, getting the respect she deserves although she isn't the leader so much these days. These days she's a little more relaxed, preferring to go for walks and to nap and to cuddle. She's happy to keep to herself and me or my husband. Winter was rough on her health. She had a string of illnesses and 2 hospitalizations. But now is back to normal although she's showing her age. I've learned a lot by living with her. Probably what gets reinforced every day of my life with her is unconditional love. She looks at me with those big brown eyes and my heart melts. I would do anything for her. She has taught me to relax, to be patient, to not be so worried about keeping the house spotless, and to find creative ways to deal with her stubbornness since she only weighs 11 lbs. Her stubbornness seems to be getting worse this past year. Probably because I started spoiling her after all of her illnesses. She used to be so well behaved! My final resort is to pick her up and carry her to where I want to go!!! Little bugger. I feel very lucky to have found such a wonderful quality pet as my first schnauzer. I love this little dog!