Sadness

I just read about the differences between sadness and clinical depression. I've been worried that I may be experiencing depression, needing counseling and/or antidepressants. But then I read about sadness. It is usually transient, usually due to a loss, a natural reaction to painful circumstances. But we're able to continue functioning with life. I know from my clinical practice that the first 3 months of loss are the worst. We learn how to cope with the sadness, and then begin to come to terms with the loss. That is, unless there are other associated symptoms like feelings of hopelessness, insomnia, overeating or weight loss, etc. Then we're talking about depression. There is a lot of literature on it, so I don't need to list it here.

So if I total up the periods of sadness, it started last July when we lost our son Andrew. The worst stage was probably the first 6 months which took us through the holidays, which were awful without him. Then reoccurrence at his birthday. But for the most part I can function day to day now with shorter periods of sadness. Then there were some other family members who passed but they were more removed so no more than 3 months for them! And then my brother, and I'm still within the 3 month period, and compounded by the loss of our sweet dog Molly during that 3 months. So if I look at it, I've had an extended period of sadness. I've been continuing to work, to visit family & friends, to make future plans, to do all the things that show I have hope, that I'm coming to terms with the losses. I'm sure that Andrew's loss will always bring sadness. Worse for Tom, somewhat easier for me as the stepmother. Nonetheless, sadness. So there is a fine line here between sadness and depression..

Right now I'm very sad. Let me get through July which will be Andrew's 1 year anniversary and my brother's 3 months. Then I'll relook at this! I'm hanging in there though. I took a depression screening test, and it didn't indicate clinical depression. I guess that was reassuring. There has been a silver lining. I'm a lot closer to individual family members. I have facilitated reunions between some estranged family members. My life feels like it is continually expanding and more loving. There is hope this is sadness and that I'm building new skills to cope with it.

As a medical professional, it's difficult to reach out to others for help. We're the ones that help everyone else. We get the feeling that we're supposed to know how to cope. I talk to other medical professionals every day and we examine how we think we're feeling and coping. Sometimes we get objective feedback, sometimes the feedback is like what we get from friends - always on your side! I know this and know when to ask for help. But this wondering has had it's therapeutic effects. I like looking inward. Writing about it gives me the opportunity to come back at some time and see where I've been and how far I've traveled.

Well enough rambling for now. I need to look for a song that addresses this. Music helps heal the soul too.